To The One and Only: You.

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

I don't have to mention any name but you know who you are...

Dear you,

Today, 22^nd September, I re-installed my Telegram app... and only then, I received the text that you sent on September 14. I was too surprised that I cried so hard. I wasn't expecting any text from you anymore since the day I made it hard for you and us. Because I was convinced that you hated me. I was sure that you wouldn't wanna be my friend anymore. So I thought it would be best to let you go. And I did after battling so hard with myself. I thought that would be the best for you and me.

But it was really difficult for me.

Because it was so comfortable around you. It was so fun spending my time with you. It was always great to be able to talk about almost everything with you. It was amazing that I had no problem in being myself when I was with you. It was enjoyable to tease you. It was such a motivation to have someone who is aiming for the same goal and is actually serious about it too.

Honestly saying, everywhere I go, everything seems to remind me of you. We shared too many memories together that all of my fav places have a memory of you even if it just a tiny little one. I can't help it but to think to myself if I did the right thing to actually let go of someone who has always been there for me and my dream just because I lost to my own ego? There were times when I hated myself for giving in to this stupid ego.

I realized that you blocked me on instagram and Facebook... you must really hate me now. I deserve that. I'm such an attention seeker... I know. All I wanted was for you ask if I was alright and telling me that everything was going to be fine and maybe a simple "cheer up!"... I never thought that because of my immaturity, things ended this way.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.

I am really glad that I met you in my life. I'm glad that we became friends or like we always claimed "rival". I never regret the fact that we met. You have been a good friend/rival. You have been an awesome listener to my problems and always giving me the best advices you could. And I always thought that it was amazing that you always seemed to be there whenever I was in trouble.

Remember that time when we met in UBD for the Islamic Awareness Week exhibition? And I was suddenly running away from something and asked you to send me home? Without asking, you said yes and then we were on the way to your car and bumped into Ka Raudhah... when she asked what happened and I couldn't answer... you said to her, "She needs a hug" and I really cried in her arms while you waited. I never get to say how thankful I was to you that day...

Also, when it was raining so hard and I was stuck at the core but I had a class starting soon. You came to pick me up.

Also, that one day when I needed to buy something and it was urgent. I didn't know who to ask for help and thought of you. You came right away.

And the most recent one, you probably still remember this one... yeah, the "heatstroke" incident. If you weren't there, I would not know what to do.

Now that I really think about it, you have done a lot for me. A lot more that I won't mention in here. Yet that night, I was mad just because you didn't try to cheer me up. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for being so immature. I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore after this... it was my fault anyway.

I thought of ignoring the text, but I can't. I don't want to leave things unsettled. I don't want to let you keep on having the thought that I don't want to talk to you again when I am dying to text you. Whenever something good happen and I feel like sharing it with someone, I always thought of you. When I see anything Stitch somewhere, I feel like snapping a pic of it and send it to you. It's frustrating that I can't do stuffs like that anymore. I'm not blaming anyone. I'm blaming myself.

And for sure, I am going to live with this guilt forever.

But I want you to know... I miss talking to you. I miss arguing with you. Yeah, I miss you. And I'd never hate you unless I go crazy. I like you. I'm sorry... and thank you for everything...

Our last Ramadhan and Raya together

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh~

Hey.

It's been awhile since the last time I posted something here. Sorry.

Life has been tough for me.

When I wrote my last post, I was in Korea. Well, that was months ago. I spent 4 months away from my country and my family. It was tough but I gained a lot of experience and achieved quite a lot of stuffs that I thought I would never be able achieved.

Maybe, when I have the time, I will share a little bit of my experience and things that I did in Korea.

Anyway, I came back somewhere toward the end of June this year. So basically I have been back here in Brunei for almost three months already.

First of all, Alhamdulillah because I got to spend two weeks of Ramadhan and Hari Raya with my family this year too. If only I was chosen to do my Discovery Year in Japan last time, I wouldn't be able to come back before Raya but I didn't. Allah's plan is always for the best. Alhamdulillah.

I was really happy to spend Hari Raya with my family this year because being away from them for four months was almost unbearable. This year was the best Raya for me... yet... it was also the saddest one...

Yeah...

Because we lost a family member.

10^th Syawal... 15^th July 2016,

My beloved grandfather, that we all loved a lot, the kind grandfather... the only grandfather I had left at that time...

He passed away. On a Friday morning.

I never thought that this year's Raya was the last Raya that I got to spend with him. Never that I thought he would leave us that day.

I miss him.

I still have so much to talk to him.

I want to apologize for a lot of things.

I haven't been telling him that I love him a lot lately.

The last time I held his hand, I never thought that it would be the last time.

It saddens me a lot that he wouldn't be there on my graduation day next year, waiting for me with a proud smile at the door of my house.

It hurts me a lot.

I miss him a lot.

I miss him a lot.

The house doesn't feel the same again without him though sometimes, I could still feel his presence... His voice is still lingering in my ears and I can still remember everything that he ever said to me and things that he told other people about me.

Ya Allah, please grant my grandfather, Haji Saban bin Sidup your Jannah.