This is me

Assalamu’alaikum.

Hei… I am sorry I am not here to talk about Raya, or PKT or…whatever… I am here because I need someone to talk to… The thing is… I have no one to talk to.

A lot of things happened…

Good things.

Bad things.

But it is always the bad things that affect me the most. No matter how happy I was before they happened, I will still forget all the happiness, all the fun when they hit me. I seriously hate how all these work.

Since university life started, I have always been surrounded by people, by friends who sincerely stay by my side without complaining. Like Azy and Azreena. I should be happy… I am happy… but the thing is I never felt I am good enough to deserve them.

They are confident, beautiful, they are kind and they always have a nice smile. And the thing that I like the most about them is that they can talk about anything. They are not afraid to express themselves. They can get angry whenever they feel like it. They can curse people who annoyed them immediately. They can do things that I can’t.

I want to be like them. I want to be able to express myself. I want to be able to talk about whatever I have in my mind. I want to be able to show it when I am mad. I want to be able to blame people. I want to be able to just do things whenever I feel like doing it!

I want to be able to say ‘I hate you’ to the people I hate. I want to be able to say ‘I don’t like it’ when people do things I don’t like to see. I want to be able to yell at people who annoyed me.

I am tired of keeping everything to myself. I am tired of pretending that I don’t mind when I really do mind. I’m tired of saying I am okay when I am not even fine. I am tired of pretending to love something that I don’t or hating something that I love.

…

…

…

My friends, they are too good for me… I feel appreciated whenever I am around them. They love me for no reasons and they never left my side. Of course, I love them too, so much that I hate myself for always troubling them.

I want to talk about things with them… I want to tell them my problems… I want to have a deep talk with them… I want to cry in front of them… I want them to hug me and say, “Its okay… everything will be fine. You are strong…”

But… whenever they ask me, “What’s wrong?”

I still end up lying, “I am okay”

In the end, I still keep everything to myself and fake a smile.

This is me.