So near, yet so far

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

So, I have received a letter that I, myself, wrote to myself, when I was in PKBN. Get it? It was like this, during our solo night in a forest in Temburong, we were given papers and pencil. We were told to write a letter to our future self. And few days ago, that letter finally arrived at my house. Amazing, isn't it?

I read it.

And all the memories and feelings and emotions came back. I didn't know I could actually write such deep words and I nearly cried! I am really thankful to my past self for writing the letter.

Hmm.

That is not all I want to talk about in this post. Okay. Before I actually start, please forgive me first. Yeah, it is about Ikki-san, again.

I know! :( But really, I can't move on no matter how hard I tried. Because I really like him to the point I found it's hard to do my fangirling nowadays ><

So, what I am actually wanting to say in post is that...

Ikki-san is back here, in this country... like since days ago! And I only found out about it like two days ago. Oh, my heart! Part of it is hurting because of the fact that I didn't know, but I am also happy that he is back even just for awhile. I don't even know for how long will he be here :(

I don't blame him. I blame myself because I stupidly hoping for something that would never happen. I was the one who promised that I would not hope for anything back but then I still did which really stressed me out! Oh well...

Anyway, now that he is here... I wish I can see him even just for like a minute or two~ I want to see that smile again. I don't mind seeing from far away, as long as I can see that smile and hear that voice again.

Because I like him.

He is The Star. And I am a fan.
This is reality.

Ps: Please ignore my English errors :( 

Nakajima Yuto, The Amazing.

Dear Yuto,

I have read your 10000 words long interview. I don’t know what to say. I never knew. I never thought. I never realized.

I’m sorry.

So you have been feeling that way. I’m sorry I didn’t realize. Now I feel like, all this time, I was taking advantages on you. I took you as my motivation, my inspiration, as my courage to keep on living this life whenever I felt a lump in my heart. But in reality, you are just like me who needs the same motivation, the same inspiration and the same courage as the ones I got from you. I always said, your smile is the source of power for everyone and that you should keep smiling. I always said how I really admire your cheerfulness… I… I was blind. I couldn’t see how you actually felt.

Dear Yuto,

Now I know, behind those smiles you always show us, actually hidden a lot of things. I’m sorry, I never realized and I told everyone that I know a lot about you when actually I didn’t.

I cried a lot when I read your 10000 words long interview last time alone in my bed. Before I actually know the content of it, I was all excited to get the translation because your interviews are always fun to read as you usually talk about your little brother, your vacations, your family, your days, your drum and the members. Seriously I never thought that this time it would be so deep that I cried.

“My brother is 6 years younger than me. My parents always record family videos; we even have the video when my brother was born. My brother was easy to take care of and I did my best to help him learn how to stand up. Maybe I was too much of a busybody. When he colored something, I'd tell him "You can't use this color, you've to use this color" and change another crayon for him. Because my parents' attention is focused on him, I felt a bit jealous, though I tried to show I'm fine, but I still hope my parents will notice me, I also need them to give me more attention”

So even though you always say cute this and that about your little brother in interviews, you also do feel jealous of him sometimes :) It is okay, Yuto because I also feel the same when my little sister gets more attention from my parents. But I hope whenever you feel that your parents give you less attention, you shouldn’t lie and say that you are okay. I know how it feels when you can’t talk what’s on your mind. Doesn’t mean because you are the oldest child, you should keep everything to yourself. Talk. Because I know your parents will listen to you.

I’m so proud how you still take care and love your little brother when you also felt jealous. Raiya-kun is so lucky to have you as his big brother :)I am sure, for him, you are the best brother ever in the world and he will not ask for more than that. Please continue to take care of Raiya-kun and it is okay to sometimes fight for your parents’ attention with him.

“After we've debuted, I started to stress about my position and the relationship with the members. Yamachan acted in Tantei Gakuen Q 1 year after we debuted and became very famous, our school students even sticked his photos on their notebooks. My mom even praised Yamachan is very handsome, and I was like "Really??", I've to say, it's really difficult to accept the change, but I saw Yamachan worked very hard, so it was a very complicated feeling.

During our 2nd single PV filiming, the choreographer suddenly told me to change position with Yamachan, it was a sudden announcement at the PV filming set. I felt a bit depressed & agitated”

I quickly re-watched back Dreams Come True PV making after I read the part. You looked like the usual you in there, with that usual smile you always show in on your face and cheerfulness. But again, I am sorry that I didn’t realize that behind those smiles and cheerfulness you showed, you were actually feeling depressed.

I realized the change too, Yuto. Yamachan has taken over your position as the center (spot light) of the group. I realized that and as your fan, sometimes, I do feel annoyed too and starting missing the old days when you were at his place now. But when I saw (I thought) you were fine with it, I let it go. But I didn’t know, you actually felt the other way.

You once said in one of your interviews, “Yamachan worked very hard and so he deserves everything he owned now.”

Oh Yuto, you really a good friend… Despite about how you feel, you agreed that Yamachan deserved them and happy for him… I am proud of you.

Dear Yuto,

Honestly, no matter where you stand (in the center, the left, the right or even at the back), you are always noticeable and people can see you as clear as before. You know why? Because you have also worked as hard as Yamachan! So Yuto, you don’t really have to mind where your position is. One thing for sure, you are always the best in the hearts of the people who never stop supporting you since long ago; in my heart, as well.

“Then my job became lesser, there's once I only had one magazine interview in a month, When I met members after a while "Ah, so everyone have other things to do", and then I felt insecure. I got a diligent award in my 1st grade high school, but I still compare, though it's a good thing, but I can't help to compare it to my busy days at work. Though I haven't reached the point to give up, but there were times I locked myself in my room and thought "Why do people compare each other?". I was stressing myself about the thing that has no answers.

I didn't discuss/talk about this with my members or my family and pretending everything is fine and nothing bothers me. Probably I've reached that limit (stress), then suddenly I began to feel relaxed and thought "Wait, I only have to do something different from others, there're things that center only can do and of course there's another thing only I can do". No matter how despairs, I never thought of quitting. I always believe in hopes.”

NO! Don’t keep everything to yourself when you are feeling stressed or when something is bothering you. I know that you are trying to not burdening those people around you but hey! I know how it feels keeping things to yourself. You will feel lonely. You will feel more stressed…

People compare each other. That is so normal. That is why competition exist which made life feel so challenging that you want to give up sometimes. And when it has come to the point where you seriously feel like giving up, all you have to do is just KEEP GOING. And soon, those things like make you feel like giving up, will make you stronger instead.

As long as you never gave up and KEEP GOING, completing each challenge after another.

“I always believe in hopes”

Oh Yuto, you know what?  You really are amazing :) Even without discussing about how you felt with your members or your family, you were still able to go through it. But really! To keep things to yourself is not a good thing. I really hope that after this you will share them with the people around you. I know, and I believe that they will listen to you.

“During a volleyball's event , I had a fight with Yamachan. Elemantary boys like to play nipple pinching and it hurts, right? Yamachan jokingly pinched my nipple, that was really hurt, I was really angry & the atmosphere at that time was really worse, I said to him "When you pinched me I've endured it, but when I did that to you & you're unhappy?". Actually I feel sorry to him. But at that time, other members were worried about him & asked him "Are u ok?", I was shocked & tot "Wut, Am I being excluded?".
I actually knew why I'm being hated, I take jokes too seriously and when someone made fun of me, I'd say "Don't say that again". When we're on stages or in class, when everyone became high, they'll joke around and I felt that's so irritating. I'm such a terrible person, right?

Because of my personality, in my group it will naturally cause hard to get along with but at that time I didn't realize about this, I only stressed about why it was so difficult to blend in my group. I'm that kind of person who thinks a lot, stressed over smtg like how come it happens & caused gastric pain, when I was in highschool I often went to clinic bcos of this”

I feel you now, Yuto… I really do. I’m sorry I never realize. I don’t know what to say about this but I seriously cried hard at this part. I know how you feel. Most of the time, even when I am with my two besties, I always feel as if I am being excluded, as if I am being hated and I always blame myself.

But that is a part of friendship; A part of life. What I did every time I feel that way was I stopped thinking too much and think to myself; everything happens for a reason. And… I trust my friend. If they have something they dislike about me, they will say honestly to my face and when they actually do that, I will try to change that part of me.

So my point here is, trust your members, Yuto. And of course, trust yourself. Maybe, some people do think you are a terrible person but surely, there are also who see you as amazing, kind-hearted Yuto. I’m sure; so far you have also read a lot of the members’ interviews in magazine, right? And when they talked about you, they always say nice things, right? Do you think they are lying? I believe not, Yuto :) Just as how you sincerely and honestly say good things about the members in your interviews, they too are sincere and honest.

If they are people who hate you, why do you have to care? They just cannot see your good sides! So you don’t have to bother about those people.

What important is, DON’T EVER HATE YOURSELF.

DON’T.

Love yourself, said KATTUN. You know the song, right? Love yourself. You may think of yourself as terrible or whatever, but just don’t hate yourself. Instead, try to be a better person :)

And no. I don’t see you as a terrible person at all. You are in fact the most wonderful person I know in the world.

After reading your long interview, now I know you have had a hard time there. I’m sorry for not realizing. And I am glad you are able to let them out in this interview and I really hope you will not going to keep things to yourself anymore. The members are there for you. Your family is there for you. Believe me, they will listen.

One last thing, I love you, Yuto for who you are :)

Thank you so much for sharing this with us :)

-         Miki Ariake (Brunei Darussalam)

Credit for the Nakajima Yuto’s 10000 words long interview’s translation: twiiter@doki, Yamada Ryosuke 山田涼介 Lovers fanpage on fb and nakajimahikari.livejournal.com

To read the full version of Nakajima Yuto’s 10000 words long interview, you can find it here: www.nakajimahikari.livejournal.com