Assalamu'alaikum
warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Hi,
hello.
It's
been awhile. How are you guys doing? Sorry I haven't fulfilled my
promises yet. I just can't find the suitable time to start typing on
JENESYS nor Raya. And 2014 Raya is so far behind already. I don't
even remember it well right now. I am sorry. JENESYS experience is
still fresh in my mind. But...yeah, I'm too busy and I just don't
feel like writing about it yet.
This
semester is my forth semester in uni. This is the toughest semester
so far. Fortunately, I didn't take six modules. If I did, I would
already be losing my mind right now. This semester, I got to learn
some photoshop and illustrator skills. It was hard at first... Umm...
I still found it hard even right now. But slowly I am getting used to
it. We have designing projects and we have a real client as well. It
is really hard to meet the client and our lecturer's expectation.
What I hate the most is that I feel as if I am just troubling my
groupmates with my presence. I'm not a creative person, so in every
meeting, I would just normally sit at the side quietly. When they ask
for my idea, I... I can't say any. I'm sorry. I want to help with
doing the design... but... again, I am no good at it. I have only
installed an illustrator to my laptop last week and I don't really
know how to use it. I feel bad, really. I want to do something to
help my group. They work so hard. They brainstorm so hard. But me...
I just sit there, being useless.
I'm
taking one language module this semester. Unlike Japanese language.
This one is really hard because I am not familiar with it. In class,
my classmates, they are all good. Now, they can already easily make
up sentences with the language without any help from the notes or
anything else. But again... me... I'm still... I am still weak at it.
Next week, we are going to have a mini drama where every group will
have to act in the class in front of the lecturer and everyone else.
The script is in Dusun language. I don't know if I can do it.
Cadet.
Cadet is still fun. It is always fun. But lately, I couldn't join
most of their activities. They went for a rock climbing session
yesterday. I couldn't go. I am too busy with my assignments. Today, I
just handed two assignments. One of them, I finished it yesterday and
the other, I just finished about an hour ago.
I'm
too busy. So much work yet so little time. Assignments. Meetings.
Designing projects. Rehearsals. Photography. I'm starting to feel
stressed. I feel depressed deep inside. I want to cry out loud. I
feel like jumping off the roof. But I know I can't do that. This is a
part of life. After the rain, there is rainbow. In shaa Allah, all
the pain and suffering will worth it in the end of the day.
Home.
Home is where you are supposed to feel the most comfortable, right?
It is where you wish to be when you are tired. I do love my home. I
want to be at home as much as I can. To be with my family. But...
even at home, I just can't be myself. I want to complain about
everything to my parents. But I don't think they are going to
understanding anything I am going to say. So because I have been
keepig everything to myself... I finally had a breakdown this
morning. I didn't plan it but I just suddenly feel the need to cry. I
can't just cry out of the blue. So I was looking for an excuse to
cry. When I finally found one, I let it out. I cried. And I wanted
attention. I really wanted attention. I had a picture in my mind...
my mom hugging me while I cry in her arms... but of course, I didn't
get the attention I wanted. They just walked off. Until I decided to
try harder... by getting mad... by throwing things, just to make them
look at me and ask me,
“Why?
What happened? Is there something wrong?”
And
no. That did not happen. I got scolded. I feel bad for what I did,
but finally I got their attention and it was not as what I wanted
though. Yeah, I finally received their attention. I wish it was more
than that... but at least, I got to cry out loud. I got to let it
out. And it makes me feel good. I cried but it felt as if a huge rock
had just been lifted from my shoulder and I feel better.
I
am sorry, mom and dad for what I did this morning. But I couldn't
help it. I needed it. I needed to cry. I really needed to cry.
Then,
today, throughout of the day, as usual, I managed to put on a smiling
mask and convinced everyone that I am fine.
I
am 'fine'.
I
wish I can be true with the people around me. They are good friends.
I really am having fun being surrounded by these awesome people. I
love these friends. I am comfortable around them but still I can't
tell them. I still can't share what I am going through with them.
Because I know they are also stressed with uni life and they have
their own problems. I don't want to trouble them. I don't think it's
nice to share my problems with them. But I don't mind being their
listener if they want to share anything with me. It can actually
makes me feel better, if it makes them feel better :)
In
a few more months, I am going to go for my DY. I applied to three
universities in Japan but I didn't get into any of them. I got
nominated to a university in Korea instead. I was disappointed but I
decided to accept it because I know everything that happened or will
happen, there is always a reason behind them. In shaa Allah, if I
really get to go to Korea, I might experience something great or
maybe even something that can change my life. Who knows.
In
shaa Allah, I will be fine. No problem.
PS: It's okay to cry. But remember to smile again :) Because everyone looks prettier when they smile.
